Well, here goes. My first post on a blog… ever. Please exercise caution while reading – I am not a writer. I may ramble on, change subjects abruptly, not use proper grammar, not have a point, overly use ‘…’ and be pretty blunt at times. If you are so inclined, feel free to read on, but you have been properly warned.
First things first, can I tell you… I love Erin. As soon as we started writing to each other, I knew. I knew we were meant to be friends and help each other in any way we could. I’m a wife, caregiver, nurse & mom. On a good day… I can even be a few of those together! Erin and I can relate to each other because – WE GET IT! We really get it! Honestly, I felt very isolated for many years before we connected. I knew there had to be others out there like me, but had a hard time finding any. Now it’s time to find others that may be in the same boat… those that have the same fears, sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness, etc. Erin and I are on similar journeys, with our own experiences, but we get it. Our lives are mirror images in so many ways. Our families (mostly our husbands since are kids are growing up and turning into self sufficient little beings) need us. We love our husbands dearly, but man sometimes it just gets a bit overwhelming.
Ah yes, this brings me to respond to Erin’s post – time to ourselves! The Holy Grail ‘me time’. Easier said than done, I know. But, this is super huge!! It took me awhile to allow myself ‘me’ time, but after 8 yrs I can attest to the fact that it is necessary – beyond necessary! Holding everything together and not going nuts, is necessary. Getting out and doing something for yourself, so you can be better at home, is necessary! Sure, I still feel guilty about it but I’m working on that too.
Just recently, I actually fell off the wagon in regards to ‘me’ time. I could feel it and I know my husband and daughter could feel it too. I got run down and seemed to be in a funk more often than not. During these times my emotional state is not my own… I get easily annoyed, find myself increasingly agitated, don’t seem to have any patience, feel like I could pick a fight with anyone in the room – yes, that includes the dog, can’t seem to get my hair the way I like it, can’t find a thing in my closet (which is actually the computer room, but I’ll get to that at another time)… all in all, I just become a bit crazier than usual. I’m actually amazed at how my husband deals with me sometimes. He listens, he allows me (not that he could stop me, but you know what I mean) to cry, to yell, to vent and to cry again. He usually asks me what the ‘date’ is and I can see him doing the math in his head… hmmm, but if the math doesn’t work out, sometimes he just looks at me and simply says ‘It’s okay, I know… I’m sorry’. Sometimes they actually say the right thing at the right time… seriously, it does happen!
Case in point: A few weeks ago while I was cleaning my husband’s leg bag and feeling like crap that the aide did not show up AGAIN… I heard my husband say something as he watched me from the bed. I immediately responded back with a slightly annoyed ‘what?’ – okay, maybe I was more than slightly annoyed. I was definitely not in the mood to deal with anyone, needing anything more from me at that particular brief moment in time. Let’s just say I was having a bad morning, a bad day, actually… a bad week. My husband said it again… this time a little louder but still in a nice, calm, silly, lovable voice – completely unflustered by my obvious ‘tude. It’s not only what he said, but how he said it. When I finally heard what he said, it brought a smile to my face and laughter to my voice. He has that power sometimes and that’s just one thing I love about my husband. Oh, what did he say, you ask??? “Your tush really looks nice in those jeans” 😉
Holy crap, it’s really late and I need to get to sleep…
A goal I set for myself many years ago: To feel like myself again. To be strong within me. Not just the strength that people think they see in me, but to actually feel that strength within myself.