My child is home. She came home Thursday night absolutely exhausted but elated to be home. It was the best night I’ve had in a long time… My family is together again and complete. This morning, the alarm went off at 6:45 and I got out of bed and puttered around the house doing my usual stuff. I turned on the coffee pot, opened the shades, unlocked the front door and checked facebook after the incredible night in Boston. And while doing this, I waited for the CNA. I waited and waited and waited and she didn’t come…. Most days this would annoy the crap out of me since it means that I have to get the quad out of bed. But today, he said he wasn’t feeling great and wanted to sleep. So, I turned the lights off, closed the shades and am letting him sleep. AND the kid was still sleeping as well. She slept until about five minutes ago. So, I had an hour of glorious alone time. AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF! Seriously… I need to learn how to relax and just be.
I couldn’t even just sit on the couch and watch the news and drink my coffee. Instead, for an hour, I went onto the internet and looked at the news updates and then paced the house. Yes, I paced. I have no idea how to just be sometimes. I think that’s why I enjoy yoga so much. Yes, I do yoga. I’ve been doing it religiously for over a year now and it’s made a huge difference in my life. It forces me to be still. It forces me to breathe. It forces me to stop and focus on myself and relax while also getting one hell of a workout. This week, while the kid was gone, I had the luxury of going to THREE yoga classes!! And I’ll go to one tomorrow! Typically, I go Saturday mornings but well, not today… so I’ll go tomorrow. But I always go to my Wednesday class at lunch – no excuses since it’s at work and over lunch. I also was able to go to the Monday one at lunch and hit one after work on Tuesday, before I locked the quad in the car. I’m sore. It feels so good too.
This morning, just before the kid woke up, I stopped my pacing in the middle of the kitchen and just laughed at myself. I was thinking that I needed to fold laundry and empty the dishwasher and I realized that I needed to take this quiet time to just breathe. I take the time on my yoga mat but I don’t at home. If we want to get into what a therapist may say, well, it’s probably because by not taking the time, I don’t think about the situation. That therapist would be right. BUT I don’t have to think about the situation while sitting on the couch and drinking coffee. However, as most caregivers know, doing that is almost impossible. When I slow down and try to relax, my brain cannot shut down and I instead think over and over about our life. At least I did until yoga came into my life. Let’s face it though, the first 6 months or so were extremely difficult in shutting my brain off. And I still have a hard time. My brain moves at a much faster pace than my body so while I was able to slow down and focus on the poses and breathing, my thoughts were still there and racing. I can now admit that I finally have moments, entire practices, when I don’t think and instead focus on my breathing and the movements. It’s amazing. And I wish others could do it too since it is how I have relaxed.
In the past, I would have been PISSED that the CNA didn’t show up and the agency didn’t bother calling us to let us know. I would have freaked out on the quad and would have complained and bitched and it would have ruined our day. But today, it’s okay. No, I don’t want to have to help my husband get up. But it’s what I need to do so I’ll do it when he’s ready. And in reality, it takes me 15 minutes. Yes, we are lucky enough in that it takes me no time at all to get the quad dressed and into his wheelchair. I have it down! But neither of us want me to have to do it. BUT I’ll do it. and it won’t ruin our day today. Instead, I see this as time that I get to spend with the kid and time for myself. And he gets to sleep in and feel better. It’s raining and gray outside so we’re having a quiet and lazy morning.
Now, I’m going to go and cuddle with the kid and watch Sponge Bob Square Pants and RELAX…