Scared out of my MIND!

So, today, I did something I never thought I’d do and I spread the word about my blog…  I did.  And now I know people reading it.  And that scares me.  It scares me more than having tons and tons of strangers read my blog.  I don’t know why…  okay wait, I do.  Because it’s personal.  For years, yes years, I have kept most of this to myself and now, to help others, I’m putting it down in print.  PRINT!  WHAT?!  It’s not me!  Wait, I take that one back too…  I was keeping a blog for the quad.  He has a carepage.  I haven’t updated it in forever since I feel like I should only update it for big things; movement, life changes, etc.  And at this point, honestly, I wish he’d take over that job.  But he won’t which again, is part of why I’m scared to do this.  I’m scared that he won’t like it.  He says that he does!  He says he loves it!  But tonight he was really quiet when I told him I was featured on the Huffington Post.  

WHAT?!  The Huffington Post?!  YES!  I WAS!  I KNOW!  

I digress…  he was really quiet.  He’s not a sharer.  He’s not.  He never has been and becoming paralyzed didn’t change that part of him.  I, however, have always been one.  I’m a hugger.  A lover.  A fighter. A passionate person who talks with her hands.  I can no longer keep this to myself since it’s part of my therapy too.  

But it hurt.  It hurt that he was so quiet.  It stung that maybe he wasn’t completely okay with it.  I asked and asked and he didn’t say otherwise but I could tell.  Part of him wasn’t that comfortable with it.  Can I blame him?  Nope.  Not at all.  Sharing is tough.  Sharing this is COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone.  This is so very personal and so very much a part of us that it’s still raw.  Five and a half years out it’s still very, very raw.  So it’s hard for me too…

Honestly, I know he’ll come around. He loves me and supports me.  Part of me has held back from doing this because I knew he wasn’t quite ready.  But, it’s what I have to do now and as a couple, we’re essentially doing it together.  Although, right now, I think I’m dragging him with me…  but he’ll get there and roll along with me.

So, thank you to all who support me.  Who visit here.  Who comment.  Who follow me.  Who cheer me on.  I’m overwhelmed right now.  I want to cry actually.  I’ve wanted to do this for so long and now that I feel like I’m starting to have a voice, I’M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND THAT I’M GOING TO MESS THINGS UP.  

Baby steps.  baby, baby steps.  <deep breath>  I can do this!

After I found out that the Huffington Post article was posted, I was beyond excited.  I couldn’t believe it!  And I shared it with the world!  I jumped for joy!  I went and bought wine!  And then…  came home, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, visited with the quad and the kid, helped the quad stand, helped the quad get back down, helped the kid hang things up in her room, served dinner, helped the quad eat, cleaned up after dinner, put away leftovers, helped the kid get ready for bed, put the kid to bed, did the dishes and then blogged…  all in the span of two hours.  phew…  I have a few dishes to finish and then, bed time for the quad!  and tonight, more work.  but, if I get my act together, I shall hit the pillow by 10. 

So I’m off! and still excited!  YEA!!!!!!!  Caregivers unite!!

FYI, Here’s my PUBLISHED post.  I’m Not the Only One 

5 thoughts on “Scared out of my MIND!

  1. I just wanted to reach out to you. I belong to a site called Caregiving.com…their Facebook page posted a link to your Huffington Post blog entry today. I wanted to assure you that you are not alone in the feelings you expressed. I related personally to every single word. I have been caring for my husband for almost exactly the same amount of time as you. He suffered a brain injury in the ICU at the age of 33 when his ventilator tube popped. We have a son who will be 12 next month. I also started a blog last year, and understand how vulnerable it must feel to share so publicly. Please know your courage to do so made a difference for me…and will certainly impact countless others as well. May you be continually blessed on your journey, Donna

    1. Thank you for reaching out! I love what you’re doing and if you ever need help, I’d love to contribute! I think we need to have more of a voice so others don’t feel alone either. Blessings sent back to you.

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