I have been a walking anxious hot mess for two days. Why? I have no idea.
I woke up Monday feeling anxious. And when I say anxious, I’m talking the heart racing, stomach in knots anxious. I got up, did some deep breathing and felt slightly better. On the outside, I look calm, cool and collected. On the inside, I am a mess.
I thought that perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I’m cutting out caffeine. Then I thought about it and well, I had my usual cup of coffee that morning… okay, two cups of coffee. So, it wasn’t that.
I worked, fought the anxiety in silence and got through the day and evening with the family.
Today, I woke up with it again. I couldn’t tell if it was worse but it just stinks. I cannot focus. I cannot make the feeling go away. I have no idea what is going on. I’m wired….
It’s 9:30 and the kid is fast asleep and the quad is in bed (went early… long story). The house is clean, dishes are washed, coffee is ready for tomorrow, bags are packed for school and work and I can go to bed. But I cannot.
I just got on my hands and knees and cleaned the kitchen floor.
I am on the verge of tears but continue to keep moving since I don’t want to cry.
Because I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of being upset. I’m sick of hugging myself…
The part I hate the most about having a spouse with a high spinal cord injury (yes HATE) is that he cannot hug me. I haven’t been hugged by my husband in over 5 1/2 years. Sure he can kind of gt his left arm around me and “hug” me.
You know what? NOT THE SAME. And I so desperately miss it. I miss that closeness. I miss being pulled against him with my head tucked right under his. Oh God I miss it so much that it hurts.
Since I know it upsets him, I don’t say anything. Instead, I cry by myself. I miss him by myself. I let that void grow.
I need to stop that… It’s one of the things we’ve been working on. It is okay for me to say that I miss hugs. It is okay to say that I miss his arms. His hands. His hugs.
I’m hurting too. I’m affected by the injury too. I’ve lost a lot too…
As a caregiver, this is the hardest to wrap my head around since the quad is the one injured. Which means it’s not fair for me to complain.
But it is… it is too fair. It is okay. It is okay to say you’re sad. It is okay to say you’re stressed. It is okay to say you miss the one you love…
So, I’m going to crawl into bed with the quad and cuddle up against him and his 300 million pillows and tell him that I miss his hugs.