Awake my soul

One of the things that I was never prepared for, as a caregiver, was the feeling of loneliness.  

Humans are not built to be lonely.  And trust me, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  I LOVE being alone.  I actually treasure some of those times.  I usually never feel lonely then. 

Oddly enough, I feel the loneliness around people I know.  People I care about…  People who know about our life but have no idea what we go through…  It’s when I feel the most disconnected.  

Like right now.  

It usually happens when I try to explain how I feel to others.  How do I put into words what I’m going through when most days I’m not really sure?  And besides, I have trouble communicating verbally.  Yes, I do. 

I love to talk.  I do!  I could talk your ear off.  

However, getting you to actually truly understand what I’m going through is difficult for me.  I can think about it and I can write about it but I cannot say it.  There’s a disconnect, I’ve realized, and I’m still trying to figure out how to bridge the gap. 

So I use humor and sarcasm.  Besides, not many want to know how deep your well of pain is… 

During these times I lean on things that make me feel good and clear my mind and heart.  Reading is one.  Music is the other.  I realized this weekend why. 

Authors and musicians are able to do what I cannot; put my feelings on paper.  

Today I’m working from home and although I have my dog for company, it’s too quiet and feels empty.  Instead of having the TV on, I have Mumford and Sons.   It sounds ridiculous but their music fills that space in my soul that is empty.  And let’s face it, as humans we crave the full feeling of contentment in our souls.  

The lyrics and melodies put my feelings into words and fill the air.  They let me release my feelings.  As a caregiver, this is one of the most important things; letting go of feelings that pull you down. 

Already I feel my heart is lighter and my soul more clear.

“To Darkness”  by Mumford and Sons

I will not fall
Once more I’m called
Time comes for all
Then dark is whole

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Subscribe me not to darkness

I will not speak of your sin
There is a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are shot

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Subscribe me not to darkness

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Subscribe me not to darkness

And I fall short
And I fall short
And I fall short
And I fall short

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Subscribe me not to darkness

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6 thoughts on “Awake my soul

  1. I’m not sure if that is a prayer or hymn, but it is beautiful – I feel a couple of hours of Mumford on the way – starting with Sigh No More – Thank you the inspiration to listen 🙂

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