A new week

Last week was rough. Hell actually. It started a week ago Saturday and slowly got worse. However, it ended on a good note which is a nice way to start a new week.

I don’t really remember when it started to go downhill but it went down quickly.

It was the type of week that reminded me of how hard this life can be…

It also reminded me of how much I miss since during times like last week, I need human touch more than ever.

I’m a toucher. Yea, that sounds week but I am. I need human touch. I love to hug I like to hold hands. I like to reach over and touch the person I speaking with…

I like to cuddle.

These things I can do with the quad but he cannot do to me. and that is what I miss.

desperately.

And during weeks of hell, the feeling is compounded to the point that my body physically hurts due to the ache.

I noticed that at times this week, I started leaning towards my coworkers when we talked just to feel close to someone. It made me feel a bit pathetic but I know that I needed it.

Our nurse, who was out over a week ago, was out again this week since she was sick. I feel so bad for her since she deserves a break. And it’s not her fault when she’s out.

But I don’t get a break when she’s sick since our agency cannot ever find anyone to fill in… and if they do, well, they are terrible. so really not having a fill-in is sometimes fine.

However, the stress it brought me this week was too much. way too much. Starting the week off with the quad passing out from the heat, the dog puking in the car and the kid freaking out didn’t help.

Work was then busy as hell and added even more stress. Then our dishwasher broke. All usually easy stuff to deal with but having it all happen in one week while also having the PCA not come was too much for me to take.

It got to the point that on Friday, while driving to pick up the quad from work, it all came out and I had to pull over the van since I was crying so hard.

All I wanted was a hug but I wasn’t going to get it from who I wanted. and it hurt. It hurt so much that I wanted to reach into my chest and rip my heart out to make the pain go away.

I just want someone to reach for me and pull me close and take the pain away. even for a minute.

But there is no one that can. So I have to do it myself. And that burden is getting to be too much. It’s only been five and a half years. How many more must I endure? How many more are going to know my pain? How many more must life this life too?

It’s too much. It needs to stop. I need to figure out how to make it stop.

But not tonight. tonight I sleep and start off a new week knowing our PCA is back tomorrow and all should be okay…

2 Comments on “A new week

  1. I want to fly up there and give you a GIANT HUG!!!!! I know you already know this, but I know how it is, pretty much. I haven’t had my quad pass out, so that’s a whole new level. And we don’t have a kid yet – but I get about 80% of it, sister! The weeks when the aides are out are the WORST. It’s like we’ve been conditioned to be strong enough to handle this life just as it is – we live on the edge. It just takes one thing like an aide’s sick day to send us over the edge… I’m hoping you have a better week!

    • Of course you know and FYI, I think you’re crazy for having a kid! but she is pretty great… so yea, I recommend it. I still think you’re nuts. This week already started off better than last so I have high hopes for it. And you’re right, we do live life right on the edge and it just takes one thing to push us over. Thankfully, this week is going well already so I’m keeping my hopes up! Wish you lived closer.

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