Guilt

Is the biggest thing I deal with on a daily basis.  Tonight, I had to deal with the fact that I wanted to work out and I put myself before the quad.

He wanted to work out as well but it meant that if I helped him, I wouldn’t have the time to go for a long walk which is what I really wanted to do.  And in the end, I went for a walk.

And now I feel terrible.  For putting myself first.  For putting my health first.  For thinking of me.

By doing it, it meant that the quad couldn’t stretch and get stronger.  Which means that there is another day that he’s in his chair, not moving.

Guilt.  It consumes me every day.  Some days are tougher than others.

But I needed it.  Today was terrible.  I needed the exercise as much as he did so I put myself first.

And it was okay.

Sometimes it’s okay to say no.  Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish.  This is the hardest lesson to learn as a caregiver.  Especially when caring for a quadriplegic.

I know that the quad cannot do a lot.  I know that he wants to and that he tries so hard.  But what about me?  Because he tries, I’m supposed to put myself on hold for him?

No.  I don’t have to and I can’t.  I’m important too and since he loves me, he’ll understand.  Did he tonight?  No. he didn’t.

We fought about it.

I walked away and went for my walk.

Was it the right thing to do?  No.  Do I feel better now?  Kind of…

But in addition to dealing with the guilt of him not working out, I’m dealing with the guilt of fighting about it.

I need help and most days he just doesn’t get it.  Why do I have to be the one who helps him work out all the time?  Why can’t we hire someone?  Why can’t someone else help?  WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?????

Does he not understand the pressure it puts on me?  the responsibility?  the time it takes?  WHY IS MY TIME LESS PRECIOUS THAN HIS?  Why is my life okay to put on hold?

Why does he not hear me?

This is an on-going battle.  It comes and goes and we fight and we make up.  I’m worried that it will always be there as long as he’s injured.  Or that it just may always be there…  who knows.

But I got to exercise.  and now I have to help the quad to bed.  I think I deserved the walk tonight.

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